It has now been 6 months that we’ve been without you. We miss you and ache for you more than words can say. I know the Father sees our hearts and is caring for each of us like only He can. His love and grace are overwhelming. We feel His presence very near.

Father’s Day without you was a painful reminder of the hole that has been left behind since your death. I was reminded of the times you and I went to our son Josiah’s grave, and now there I was kneeling at yours, with your 10 children all around me. As we placed flowers on your grave and the kids sent up balloons with messages to you, warm tears ran down our faces, and we started reminiscing about fun and happier times with you. We know you are with Jesus, and you are experiencing more joy than we could begin to imagine. I was thinking about you being in heaven on Father’s Day and about how our son Josiah and our other children who were miscarried, are with you now. You are holding them, and they are holding you. What a special day of celebration. We are so happy for you, and we know that one day we’ll all be together again…no more sorrow, no more tears.

Renee', her beautiful children and her mom at Derek's grave on Father's Day (Derek's permanent head stone has not come in yet)

We made a big announcement to our extended family members on Father’s Day, and we know you heard and are celebrating with us. We are going to adopt another son, My Love. I know it’s just me now, but forever and always this has been our dream together, and I am determined to continue to walk out all that we had hoped and dreamed of, for our lives and our children who are yet to come. I truly believe that as I walk this journey of motherhood without you by my side, the Lord is allowing you to see what’s going on. I know you’re still involved in interceding for our children, cheering me on, and trusting me not to put down the torch. I hear your words, I remember all the conversations we’ve had about orphans, and all we dreamed of doing together to help them. I miss talking to you, and I miss that look we would give each other when we knew we were going to just “go for it” and bring in another priceless angel.

So, as I move forward with our vision to restore the broken and wounded, I do it knowing I am not alone. Jesus is here with me, and all you and I dreamed of together is going to move forward. I am determined to run this race well and to do it with the same passion as when you and I did it together.

The son we are bringing home will be one year old on July 4th. As I seek the Lord for the name He has for this precious boy, I have been calling him my “Freedom Boy.” The Lord is redeeming his life and setting him free. He will no longer be prisoner to pain, he will no longer be wounded and broken. I will give him our name, Derek. I will call him my own.

As I sought the Lord for wisdom in moving forward with this huge decision, one others may think crazy, the Lord did incredible things to confirm it in my heart. He has been so kind to me. I told the Lord clearly that I would not move forward without a direct word from Him and without complete peace, as well as agreement among all of our children.

Your children are amazing, Honey. They all wholeheartedly agreed that bringing this precious one into our family was what they all wanted.

The most powerful thing the Lord spoke to me during my time away with Him to hear His heart for this adoption was from Isaiah 49.

49:1-3 “Listen to me, you islands; hear this, you distant nations: Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword, in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. He said to me, “You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.”

Our son is coming from the Marshall Islands once again, the place you and I met and fell in love, where you asked me to marry you and the place where 5 of our precious daughters were born. He will be for the glory and splendor of the Lord.

49:8-10 “This is what the Lord says: “In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, to say to the captives, ‘Come out,’ and to those in darkness, ‘Be free!’ “They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.”

This sweet boy’s life is about to BE SET FREE! Born on Independence Day, he will be rescued just before his first birthday.

49:18-22 “Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the Lord, “you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride. Though you were ruined and made desolate and your land laid waste, now you will be too small for your people, and those who devoured you will be far away. The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left all alone, but these–where have they come from?’ This is what the Sovereign Lord says: “See, I will beckon to the Gentiles, I will lift up my banner to the peoples; they will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders.”

I still am in awe of the goodness of the Lord to speak with me in this way, so clearly! I am so blown away that the Lord has chosen to bless me even “during my bereavement.”

And the Lord even knew I needed to laugh! “Give us MORE SPACE TO LIVE IN!!” I’m sure I’ll be hearing that even more than I already do now!

So here we go again Honey. Another wild ride! With all my heart, I wish you were here to celebrate with me, as another little one is brought into the Kingdom! I love you, will never forget you and will keep pressing on in the calling the Lord gave us both!

Forever…..

Love,

Renee

And now, introducing our new son, “Freedom Boy”… name to be announced later!

It has been an eventful weekend, and I wanted to give you all an update on the family.

Silas is doing great! He is recovering well, and so quickly, from his surgery that took place last Monday. Thanks so much to each of you who have been praying for him!

On Friday, my beautiful children surprised me with a special early Mother’s Day celebration.  I will be writing a separate post later about my incredibly special evening.  I was so honored and want to share in detail, a couple days from now, about how our children blessed me!

Yesterday morning (May 8th), our day started out with Ethan being taken to the doctor. He wouldn’t drink or eat anything and hadn’t since Friday afternoon.  Ethan was diagnosed with a respiratory infection and is now on antibiotics. We are so grateful that he is now eating and drinking again and feeling much better.

After Ethan got home from the doctor’s office,  I spoke at the IHOPU Forerunner Music Academy  graduation. It was such a humble honor to be asked to speak.  What a special time of celebration! These graduates are so precious to my heart. They were the first students that attended Forerunner Music Academy, which my husband Derek, helped pioneer.  It was very emotional for me to see them in their caps and gowns. I wish Derek could have been there to celebrate with us all, but I have a feeling the Lord let him get a peek of the students celebrating this special day. He would have been so proud!

As I pulled in to the driveway of our home, after the graduation ceremony, my daughter Michaela came running out of the house with tears pouring down her face, screaming, “Mama, Mama, Sasha is dying! He’s not breathing and he’s not moving!”  I dropped everything in my hands and ran into the house to find Sasha laying lifeless on the sofa.  His eyes were rolled back, he had a gray appearance, and was unresponsive.  My sister-in-law Tracie had been at the house early while I was at the graduation ceremony, helping to decorate for our daughter Michaela’s 10th birthday party.  Tracie had already called 911, and I held Sasha in my arms as we waited for the paramedics and the ambulance to arrive.  When the paramedics arrived, they quickly carried Sasha out to the ambulance.

Michaela was in a state of horror, thinking that her brother was dead or dying.  She was overcome with fear, because of the trauma we have all walked through with Derek’s death just 4 and 1/2 months ago.  One of the paramedics was so kind and stayed to speak with Michaela for a few minutes, comforting her and letting her know that her brother would be alright.  She began to calm down as the ambulance pulled away with her brother.  Shortly after the ambulance left, her friends began arriving for her birthday party.  The party itself was very emotional because it was her first birthday without her daddy.

The paramedics assured me that Sasha was stable and had a strong pulse. My sister-in-law Tracie, offered to go with Sasha to the ER, and I decided that it would be best for me to stay for Michaela’s birthday party to help her feel loved and honored.    Her birthday ended up being a wonderful celebration of her precious life. I was so blessed to have Tracie’s help.  Since she was willing to stay with my Sasha, and I knew she would love him well while I wasn’t with him,  it helped me feel a little more at peace about not being at the hospital.

Three awesome friends: Kristen Carlson, Peter Kiiskila, and Tim Cone went to the ER to pray over Sasha and love on him as soon as they heard that he was there. Our amazing family doctor Wendy Bisset joined to support Tracie, and check on Sasha’s care. I am so grateful for her loving, care of our children. She is an amazing physician and a great friend. Dan Petrilli, another incredibly supportive friend, made the trip to the hospital with our daughter Teyolla to visit Sasha. Our precious boy was surrounded by love the entire evening. One of the nurses was even in tears over the level of love and support that our little boy was given by our great big extended family. Even in sickness, Sasha’s life was a testimony of the love of Jesus.

Our daughter Telma and I drove to the hospital to be with Sasha after the birthday party. He was stable but very “out of it.”  We stroked his head, prayed with him, and snuggled him in his hospital bed.  It was so hard to see him in the state he was in, but so comforting to know that he was safe and being well cared for in the hospital.  We knew the Lord was watching over him well.

Our incredible friend Kristen Carlson offered to spend the night in the hospital room with Sasha, so I could go back home to get a little rest before spending the whole day at the hospital today.  We were also blessed to have Tiffany Larson and Claire Mcintire, two of our most precious family support staff helping out at home, while Telma and I were at the hospital.

Sasha is doing better today, although he is still at Children’s Mercy Hosptial and in pain. The neurologist will be checking him out tomorrow morning to see if there is a problem with his shunt, or to determine whether or not he had a seizure and needs to be put on seizure medications. His fever spiked to 105 degrees at one point, and once he arrived at the hosptial and had been on an IV for several hours, he began to throw up several times.

Our daughter Michaela now has a rash from poison ivy and is covered with red hives from head to toe. Not a very nice birthday gift!

We would appreciate your prayers for Ethan, Sasha and Michaela.

God is good and is faithful and we trust him in every way.

Blessings and hugs!

Renee’

Our little Silas is healing well and loving his snuggles from his beautiful sister Teyolla!

Ethan is eating and drinking again and feeling much better!

Terri Terry, Renee Loux, Levi Lim, Sabrina Walsh at the IHOPU Graduation

Our incredibly humble and Godly leaders, Daniel Lim, Mike Bickle, Lou Engle and Allen Hood at the IHOPU Graduation

Michaela celebrating her 10th birthday!

Beautiful and priceless KK (Michaela)

Our precious miracle boy Sasha, with Mommy, enjoying a ducky book in the hospital

Sasha finally ate today and had some apple juice. He was so much happier! He also enjoyed a visit in his hospital room from his sister Sophia

Soph took Sasha a bag of his favorite toys and pillow. He enjoyed spending time with Soph and Telma! His face lit up when they walked in the room!

On Monday, May 3rd, our precious little Silas will be having surgery again.  He has a lump in his abdomen that needs to be removed.  Silas’ doctor is concerned that it might grow into  a cancerous tumor,  so he’s decided to remove it. Please keep our little one in your prayers.  Silas has been our special angel for almost a year and a half  now. We are so blessed to have him as ours.  He is growing big and strong and Jesus has done much in his little heart,  to bring healing to his body, mind and spirit.

This will  be the first surgery I’ve had to walk through with one of our children,  without Derek by my side.  Although I know he’ll be interceeding from heaven,  it will be a little emotional, so I would like to ask for your prayers for me as well. God is faithful!

Thank you so much, again, for so many of you who have sent our family  beautiful words of love, gifts and encouraging music CD’s that have really ministered to our spirit.  Your prayers mean more to me than I could begin to express.

Much love and thanks to each of you!

Renee’ and tribe

]]> http://louxfamilyblog.com/2010/04/please-keep-silas-in-your-prayers/feed/ 15 http://louxfamilyblog.com/2010/04/at-the-end-of-the-day-he-is-enough/ http://louxfamilyblog.com/2010/04/at-the-end-of-the-day-he-is-enough/#comments Sat, 17 Apr 2010 05:35:19 +0000 Renee Loux http://louxfamilyblog.com/?p=1471

(Easter Sunday) Renee' and Tribe

Derek and Renee's Priceless Blessings From Jesus

Sophia, Telma and Michaela

Amazing Silas

Beautiful Telma and Miracle Boy Ethan

Silas, beautiful Michaela and happy Sasha

Our beautiful Sophia and Michaela

Michaela

Taking time to smell the flowers

Sana and her priceless smile, holding on to her older sister KK (Michaela)

I love our girls! Keyolla, Telma, Leeann and Teyolla are not only beautiful on the outside but incredibly beautiful on the inside too! What gifts they are to me!

Our beauties

Key Key and me

How thankful I am for my mom who is such a great support to me and to our kids!

In the weeks and months following the accident that led to the death of my precious husband and the father of our 10 children, I’ve gone from feelings of numbness and shock, to feeling overwhelmed by a wide range of all kinds of emotions.  Once touched by pain, you are not the same….. never… but, you are the one who makes the choice to let that pain drive you away from Jesus to a place of anger and offense, or into his arms, as your only hope;  not just hope to make it through the great pain and sadness, but hope to live this life with a vibrant passion for Jesus and for all the dreams He has put in your heart.

In September of 1995, my daddy (Sam Sasser) died very unexpectedly after surgery.  His death would be the first of four devastating losses in my life.  Nine months following Daddy’s death, mine and Derek’s firstborn son Josiah, would also go on to be with Jesus,  at 2 and ½ years old.  Three months after Josiah’s death, I lost the child I was carrying in my womb. I was almost 4 and ½ months along in my pregnancy.  Through all of these incredibly painful losses, I  always had Derek in my life, to cry with, to process the pain with and to hold and comfort me as we walked through all the heartache together.  On December 23^rd,  it was Derek that went home to be with Jesus.  It wasn’t until  his death that I realized how much I had depended on him throughout so much of my life, to be the strength and pillar that I leaned on.  When I was standing over Derek’s coffin, staring in disbelief that this was now my husband’s body I was looking at, I realized I wouldn’t have him to process this great sadness with, because it was now my precious love who was gone. The reality of this knocked the wind out of me.  For years, Derek had been speaking around the world about how God is “a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows” (Psalms 68:5). Now our children and I would come to understand the reality of this truth to the greatest degree one could…. by losing Derek and by completely relying on God in everyway…for everything.

I know I have NEVER been alone.  Everything that’s happened-the grief, the hurt, the confusion, has had me pressing into Jesus to greater degrees than ever before. Have I  walked out this reality every minute of the day since Derek’s death?  No! There have been times throughout the day when all I could feel was grief and I didn’t want to be part of this new ‘widow’s club’.  The reality of Derek’s death stings and there are still some nights when I roll over in my bed, reaching for him, only to be hit with the fact that he’s not there and I’ll never again feel his warm body laying next to mine. So, the pain is definitely still very fresh, but I can truly say that it’s in those moments that Jesus meets me and gently holds my heart, assuring me of his love.  He has proven to me over and over again that He’s here with me and He is not going anywhere.  I trust Him and I’m clinging to Him.  The Lord is giving me his supernatural grace, his strength and his joy.   I  have hope that only comes from my Jesus.  He remains forever constant.  No matter what, God is here with me, with our children and at the end of the day…. God is enough.   He always has been and always will be.

I’m overwhelmed by the emails, messages on facebook and messages on our blog that many of you have sent.  Thank you for your love, your support and your incredible kindness!  So many of you have been used by Jesus to be a healing balm to my heart.  There are also several of you who are walking through much loss and  great pain yourselves..  Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing your stories with me. I am honored to be on the receiving end of  those of you who are also walking with a ‘limp’ and yet holding on to Jesus and His hope. Don’t give up.  Keep on fighting the good fight… keep your faith and let’s finish this race well (2 Timothy 4:7,8).

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Blessings and hugs to each of you,

Renee’ and Tribe

Photo courtesy of Steve Willis at underpinphotography.com

I am constantly amazed at God’s kindness in ministering to my heart through your encouraging letters and emails.  I am so thankful for your love and prayers.  Honestly, there are some days when I am feeling our loss so deeply and the pain is absolutely beyond words.  On those days,  I am especially aware of the fact that without your prayers I would find it hard to take one more step forward.  Yesterday and today were two of those days.  I miss my precious man.  I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice…. everything about him…..everything!

I went to Derek’s grave again yesterday and just stood there,  still so sad and in disbelief that Derek’s earthly body now rested 6 feet below.  I had no words.  The tears just poured down my face.  I was aching just to be able to hug him and to feel his arms around me one more time, not wanting to accept the fact that that is something I will never have again until I am also with Jesus.  My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the  sound of a car door slamming shut and I turned to see who had arrived.  It was a woman who seemed to be about my age. She had a large bouquet of roses and gently placed them on the vase that was attached to the grave she was visiting.  I began to wonder who the precious person was that she had lost. We both stood there, under the blue sky, feeling our grief.  I became overwhelmingly aware of the fact that there is so much pain in this world, for so many.  I once again began thinking about what people do with their pain when they don’t know Jesus?  What hope do they have? I can’t even imagine….

As I drove home from Derek’s grave, I asked the Lord to help me to be able to walk out the rest of my day with the strength and comfort only He could give me.  I desperately needed Him in the middle of the pain of my weak and broken heart. As I pulled into our driveway, I got out to collect the mail in our mailbox and found a letter that was written to me by a precious woman whom I’ve never met,  named Kendra.  She began her letter by letting me know that we were all in her prayers and on her heart. She was so kind.  Kendra then began to share some reflections that her pastor had written while he was battling terminal brain cancer for over 19 months.  Just when I thought I didn’t have one more tear to cry that day…the tears began to flow, but this time I was weeping over God’s faithfulness once again, to encourage my heart.  I began to feel His presence very near, as I began to read what Kendra shared with me.  I pray this precious pastor’s reflections, passed on to me by my new friend Kendra, will be as encouraging to each of you who are going through your own sad, heartbreaking and difficult experiences, as they were and still are to me.

“Hope and despair are not opposites. They are cut from the very same cloth, made from the very same material, shaped from the very same circumstances.  Most of all, every life finds itself forced to choose one from the other, one day at a time, one circumstance after another.  The only difference between the two is that despair shapes an attitude of mind; hope creates a quality of soul. Despair colors the way we look at things, makes us suspicious of the future, makes us negative about the present.  Hope, on the other hand, takes life on its own terms, knows that whatever happens God lives in it, and expects that, whatever its twists and turns, it will ultimately yield its good to those who live it well. When tragedy strikes, when trouble comes, when life disappoints us, we stand at the crossroads beween hope and despair, torn and hurting. Despair cements us in the present; hope sends us dancing around dark corners trusting in a tomorrow we cannot see.  Despair says that there is no place to go but here.  Hope says that God is waiting for us someplace else.  Begin again.”

We’re choosing Hope to send us dancing around this dark corner into a future where God is very present!

Thank you Kendra and the rest of you who have not just said you would pray for us,  but have truly been on your knees faithfully, taking us before the throne of God, asking Him to draw near to us,  in the middle of our great sadness. He is truly our refuge and our strength!   We are blessed beyond belief to have you in our lives; those we know well and those we’ve never personally met face to face.

I pray that the Lord will wrap each of you in a blanket of His precious love and that you will feel Him near.

I was at the store in early February and suddenly found myself walking by the Valentine’s Day cards.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  For the first time in 18 years, I wouldn’t be giving or getting a Valentine’s Day card from Derek.  He always celebrated our love in such a big way….we both did.  Tears stung my eyes as I once again began to think about  reality of life without him.  I watched as a couple walked by me in the store, hand in hand, and then again as a daughter climbed up on her daddy’s back, laughing and tickling him as they went out the door.  My mind began to flood with memories as the tears continued to flow.  I realized that everyone’s lives were moving on in the middle of the greatest loss we’ve ever experienced.

Our kids miss Daddy’s morning kisses, his humor, his heart to heart talks and the way he would turn something that seemed so big and so hard, into something that they could laugh about or at least get through, because of their Daddy’s wisdom, sensitivity and love. We  miss the sound of his car pulling up in the driveway at dinner time. I miss hearing all the kids yelling out, “Daddy, Daddy” as he would walk in the door.  Our girls all miss the amazing way that Derek treated each of them like a princess.  Our boys, who have only been in our family for 1 year, can’t seem to figure out where their Daddy went to.  They’re confused and it breaks my heart.  I don’t want them to think that their Daddy  just left them and I’ve been praying that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to comfort them  with His love, in the midst of their confusion.

Derek’s presence is greatly missed in our morning devotions. We all miss him leading us in worship and in the Word.  I’ve  now picked up his guitar, an instrument I once played, before our son’s death and I told the kids, “We will have music again.”  I know I’ll never play as well as Derek did but I’ll sure do the best I can and we will sing and dance again.

So, reality for us is this. I’m grieving and trying to help our 10 children through their grief as well. Our heartbreak is beyond description.  I’ve had a million thoughts racing around in my mind about the “why.”  What I keep ending up with is the truth of the fact that I don’t and never will understand why this happened, but I know without a doubt that my God is walking this road with me, every step of the way. He is always with me, has never left me and as I draw nearer to Him, in the middle of this great sorrow, His presence grows stronger and His Holy Spirit continues to comfort my aching heart.  I’ve found that nothing else we can do will bring the peace and comfort we need like trusting the One who has allowed this situation to be in our lives. He is in control of it all. Although this hurts like nothing I’ve ever walked through before, I can trust God’s leadership in my life and in the lives of our children.

Jesus has always been faithful to us and  I know He will remain faithful.  I so appreciate all the letters, cards, encouraging emails and FB messages that I’ve received from so many of you who have helped by sharing your love, prayers and support for our family.  Your prayers have gotten us up every morning and have helped us make it through each day and I am more grateful that I can express.  I need to be honest with you though.  Many of you have thought I’ve been a rock through all of this.   I’m not a rock, but I am leaning on the One who is my Rock. Trusting God for me hasn’t meant that I’ve given everything to Jesus and am walking away with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  It usually means that I’ve cried my eyes out and talked about everything with Jesus, over and over and over and over again.

I am focusing on what I know to be true about God’s character.  He is forming something in me that is making me stronger and causing me to realize that my trust is in Christ alone.  I am realizing that if I remain faithful to God not just in the happy seasons of life when all is going great,  but in the darkest of seasons as well,  I  won’t get all my questions answered or be able to control my circumstances,  but,  my faith will be refined through the fire and my relationship with Jesus will grow deeper. If  I choose to learn from my experiences, I won’t go through life wondering what was the point of all the heartache and the tears.  With bended knee and tears streaming down my face, I can say this.  ”I trust you.”

Romans 5:3  We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 8:18  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?

Picture courtesy of Steve Willis at underpinphotography.com

Memorial Service Link

Memorial Program Download

Photo Slide Show of the Memorial Service by Shelley Paulson

God bless you and wrap you in a blanket of His most precious love!

Renee’ and children

I miss you my Darling!

Hope is more than just a word, it’s a state of being. It’s a firm belief that even if you don’t know how, even if you don’t know when, God will come through and better days are up ahead. Life sends rain… Hope dances in the puddles until the sun comes out again….. Holley Gerth

(Hebrews 11:1) Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Thank you to all our friends and family in the U.S., Poland, South Korea, Ukraine, Russia, Singapore, China, Austrailia, New Zealand, India, Israel, England, Scotland, Spain, Hawaii, the Marshall Islands and others from  around the world who have expressed your love to our family through your most needed prayers, encouraging email/blog messages and through your gifts.  We are humbled and blessed by your love!

For those of you who had a hard time watching Derek’s Memorial Service online, it will be available soon on DVD.  We will keep you posted, both on this blog and at our josiahfund.org website, when it is ready and available.  You will also be able to download and print Derek’s Memorial Service brochure.

God bless you and keep you close to His heart!

In Jesus’ love,

Renee’, Telma, Teyolla, Keyolla, Leeann, Sophia, Michaela, Sana, Sasha, Ethan and Silas