We love you Honey and one day soon, we will all be together again with Jesus (Photo courtesy of Steve Willis at Underpin Studio).

It’s been 7 and 1/2 months now since Derek’s death. I have received beautiful cards, emails, facebook messages, meals and thoughtful gifts from so many of you. There really aren’t words to express my gratefulness to each of you who have taken the time to encourage me and my children through your love. “Thank you” seems to fall so short of all I feel,  but I’ll say those words anyway and pray that you know how truly thankful I am.  THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!  You are beautiful and are really helping us in our healing process.

Some of the emails I’ve received from you have been ones that have shared your own hurt, pain and loss.  I’ve been overwhelmed by the things some of you have walked through.  My heart longs to comfort and encourage you, to bring you hope for the days ahead and to validate the weight of your feelings because I know how deep this pain cuts.  Why did this happen?  Will I always feel this way?  Am I going to get through this?  Sometimes the questions just go round and round in my mind and most likely in yours too. It hurts, it really hurts!  I’ve been and am still walking through, where some of you are now.  I’ve been numb with shock, and at times overwhelmed by a wide range of heartrending and at times, conflicting emotions;  sad, frightened, comforted, hopeful and at times a little lost and confused.  Couple all those feelings with the everyday responsibilities of  life with 11 children, their new school schedules (they go to 6 different schools because of all their various needs), our special need’s physical therapy schedules, hospital clinic visits,  and all it takes to help them get through their own grief and loss, and it can feel down right overwhelming!  I love 1Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!  Help me to do this better Jesus!

I am so blessed with such wonderful friends in our lives who are such a great help to our family, but at times it seems that even with  the amazing help I’m receiving, my to-do list still seems to get longer. How does that happen…LOL!!? Sometimes I have difficulty making decisions about things that seem so simple, let alone the ones that are more complex and involve matters that seem very foreign to me.  All the things that Derek used to take care of are now on my plate. That’s taken a lot of getting used to. I’ve learned that I need to take a deep breath, slow down and wait on God to give me direction. He always comes through for me.  I’ve learned that by keeping my eyes on Jesus, He will help me to make wise choices and He promises to be with me and to guide me.  I can’t imagine walking through this not knowing Him.  I just can’t!

My friend’s husband, Dean, once said to me, “grieving is a full time job.”  He is really right. Both Dean and my friend Jeanie, know all too well the feelings and emotions of what I’m walking through. They both lost their first spouse. Jeanie’s husband was killed in a car accident and Dean’s wife died from breast cancer.  Jeanie has 4 children from her first marriage and so does Dean.  So, they now share 8 beautiful children between them.  When we got together last, we had 18 children under one roof! There will be 19 when we get together next, now that I’ve added Judah to our tribe! They have been such a great comfort to me and to our children!  Again, another beautiful gift from God! We love you Jeanie, Dean and family!

Right after my Derek died in the accident, I bought all my kids scrapbooks to hold pictures of them with their precious Daddy .  I put as many pictures of Derek and the kids as I could on a disc and had them printed off at Sam’s Club. I accidentally ordered 3 copies of each print and when I went to pick the pictures up, I had over 800 prints waiting for me!  So, needless to say, we are not lacking for meaningful pictures of the kids and Daddy around here.  Each time we scrapbook, memories of “Daddy”  are shared. Sometimes we find ourselves all laughing together, remembering some of the funny things Derek did.  His sense of humor was somethin else!  He knew exactly what it took to get us out of  a hard place and get us smiling again.  At other times while we’re scrapbooking, we find ourselves all in tears, still in disbelief that he’s gone.  And sometimes we just sit quietly, gluing pictures on pages, writing down our thoughts next to our most treasured photos, as tears stream down our faces. Even though it hurts, it’s been healing to look at these pictures that are filled with so much love.

These deep emotions are always there, right at the surface, for each of us, and they come out in so many different ways. Why didn’t God intervene and allow Derek to live?  We would never find a reason that would satisfy us because any explanation would still raise the question, Why not do it differently God??  For me, I am coming to terms with the fact that God’s leadership truly is perfect.  I will accept the fact that God is both loving and all-powerful, that He is for us, not against us, and His will and purposes will be accomplished in the end. In Lois Mowday Rabey’s book called, “When Your Soul Aches” she says this. “While our “whys” may never be answered, it is possible to accept the paradox of God’s sovereign love and his allowance of pain.  We will have to ask for the grace to live with unanswered questions and to relax in the comfort of gratitude when that grace flows into our lives.”

Romans 8:37-39

^37… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Be encouraged in His love for you today and let’s run this race well, together.

Much love,

Renee’ and tribe

As the day moved on, I began looking through mine and Derek’s wedding pictures and was reminded of all the joy that our wedding day held. Our wedding was quite a large event. We got married in Texas and everything was big….everything from Derek’s hair, to our wedding party!  We had 16 bridesmaids, 16 groomsmen, 10 candle lighters and 8 children who were all a part of the ceremony.  What a beautiful day of celebration it was!

I decided to post some of our wedding pictures here on our family blog.  In the middle of mine and my children’s great sadness at the loss of my husband and our children’s daddy, we still have so much to remember that’s beautiful and precious.  The gift we had in Derek was priceless and I will always thank Jesus for giving him to us as ours, even for the short time we had him here on earth.

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us.  We are so blessed to have you in our lives and we don’t take your love and prayers for granted.

Much love,

Renee’ and children

The wedding of Derek and Renee' Loux

Derek wrote a special song and sang it to me as I walked down the aisle

Our beautiful friend Michelle Presley, danced so beautifully in the ceremony

Announcing for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Derek Loux

Looking into the eyes of Love

I love this beautiful man!

Sweet kisses

Standing under the trees, thanking Jesus for the priceless gift He was giving me in Derek.

One more kiss and now on to the reception

I still remember what Derek said to me at this very moment....

We had a beautiful cake that had live orchids and other exotic flowers cascading down the side

A toast to our love!

Derek (being a stinker) feeding my ear some cake

These are the children that were in my wedding. I taught many of these children in school. Although they're all grown up now, they'll always be my babies! I love you precious ones!

Derek and I standing in front of the church we got married at in Texas