Reality and God’s grace

// February 21st, 2010 // Loux Family News

In some ways it’s so hard to believe that my precious Derek has now been with Jesus for 2 months and 4 days. I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened.  The pain is still so deep that at times it takes my breath away.

I was at the store in early February and suddenly found myself walking by the Valentine’s Day cards.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  For the first time in 18 years, I wouldn’t be giving or getting a Valentine’s Day card from Derek.  He always celebrated our love in such a big way….we both did.  Tears stung my eyes as I once again began to think about  reality of life without him.  I watched as a couple walked by me in the store, hand in hand, and then again as a daughter climbed up on her daddy’s back, laughing and tickling him as they went out the door.  My mind began to flood with memories as the tears continued to flow.  I realized that everyone’s lives were moving on in the middle of the greatest loss we’ve ever experienced.

Our kids miss Daddy’s morning kisses, his humor, his heart to heart talks and the way he would turn something that seemed so big and so hard, into something that they could laugh about or at least get through, because of their Daddy’s wisdom, sensitivity and love. We  miss the sound of his car pulling up in the driveway at dinner time. I miss hearing all the kids yelling out, “Daddy, Daddy” as he would walk in the door.  Our girls all miss the amazing way that Derek treated each of them like a princess.  Our boys, who have only been in our family for 1 year, can’t seem to figure out where their Daddy went to.  They’re confused and it breaks my heart.  I don’t want them to think that their Daddy  just left them and I’ve been praying that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to comfort them  with His love, in the midst of their confusion.

Derek’s presence is greatly missed in our morning devotions. We all miss him leading us in worship and in the Word.  I’ve  now picked up his guitar, an instrument I once played, before our son’s death and I told the kids, “We will have music again.”  I know I’ll never play as well as Derek did but I’ll sure do the best I can and we will sing and dance again.

So, reality for us is this. I’m grieving and trying to help our 10 children through their grief as well. Our heartbreak is beyond description.  I’ve had a million thoughts racing around in my mind about the “why.”  What I keep ending up with is the truth of the fact that I don’t and never will understand why this happened, but I know without a doubt that my God is walking this road with me, every step of the way. He is always with me, has never left me and as I draw nearer to Him, in the middle of this great sorrow, His presence grows stronger and His Holy Spirit continues to comfort my aching heart.  I’ve found that nothing else we can do will bring the peace and comfort we need like trusting the One who has allowed this situation to be in our lives. He is in control of it all. Although this hurts like nothing I’ve ever walked through before, I can trust God’s leadership in my life and in the lives of our children.

Jesus has always been faithful to us and  I know He will remain faithful.  I so appreciate all the letters, cards, encouraging emails and FB messages that I’ve received from so many of you who have helped by sharing your love, prayers and support for our family.  Your prayers have gotten us up every morning and have helped us make it through each day and I am more grateful that I can express.  I need to be honest with you though.  Many of you have thought I’ve been a rock through all of this.   I’m not a rock, but I am leaning on the One who is my Rock. Trusting God for me hasn’t meant that I’ve given everything to Jesus and am walking away with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  It usually means that I’ve cried my eyes out and talked about everything with Jesus, over and over and over and over again.

I am focusing on what I know to be true about God’s character.  He is forming something in me that is making me stronger and causing me to realize that my trust is in Christ alone.  I am realizing that if I remain faithful to God not just in the happy seasons of life when all is going great,  but in the darkest of seasons as well,  I  won’t get all my questions answered or be able to control my circumstances,  but,  my faith will be refined through the fire and my relationship with Jesus will grow deeper. If  I choose to learn from my experiences, I won’t go through life wondering what was the point of all the heartache and the tears.  With bended knee and tears streaming down my face, I can say this.  ”I trust you.”

Romans 5:3  We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 8:18  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?