Reality and God’s grace
// February 21st, 2010 // Loux Family News
In some ways it’s so hard to believe that my precious Derek has now been with Jesus for 2 months and 4 days. I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened. The pain is still so deep that at times it takes my breath away.
I was at the store in early February and suddenly found myself walking by the Valentine’s Day cards. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. For the first time in 18 years, I wouldn’t be giving or getting a Valentine’s Day card from Derek. He always celebrated our love in such a big way….we both did. Tears stung my eyes as I once again began to think about reality of life without him. I watched as a couple walked by me in the store, hand in hand, and then again as a daughter climbed up on her daddy’s back, laughing and tickling him as they went out the door. My mind began to flood with memories as the tears continued to flow. I realized that everyone’s lives were moving on in the middle of the greatest loss we’ve ever experienced.
Our kids miss Daddy’s morning kisses, his humor, his heart to heart talks and the way he would turn something that seemed so big and so hard, into something that they could laugh about or at least get through, because of their Daddy’s wisdom, sensitivity and love. We miss the sound of his car pulling up in the driveway at dinner time. I miss hearing all the kids yelling out, “Daddy, Daddy” as he would walk in the door. Our girls all miss the amazing way that Derek treated each of them like a princess. Our boys, who have only been in our family for 1 year, can’t seem to figure out where their Daddy went to. They’re confused and it breaks my heart. I don’t want them to think that their Daddy just left them and I’ve been praying that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to comfort them with His love, in the midst of their confusion.
Derek’s presence is greatly missed in our morning devotions. We all miss him leading us in worship and in the Word. I’ve now picked up his guitar, an instrument I once played, before our son’s death and I told the kids, “We will have music again.” I know I’ll never play as well as Derek did but I’ll sure do the best I can and we will sing and dance again.
So, reality for us is this. I’m grieving and trying to help our 10 children through their grief as well. Our heartbreak is beyond description. I’ve had a million thoughts racing around in my mind about the “why.” What I keep ending up with is the truth of the fact that I don’t and never will understand why this happened, but I know without a doubt that my God is walking this road with me, every step of the way. He is always with me, has never left me and as I draw nearer to Him, in the middle of this great sorrow, His presence grows stronger and His Holy Spirit continues to comfort my aching heart. I’ve found that nothing else we can do will bring the peace and comfort we need like trusting the One who has allowed this situation to be in our lives. He is in control of it all. Although this hurts like nothing I’ve ever walked through before, I can trust God’s leadership in my life and in the lives of our children.
Jesus has always been faithful to us and I know He will remain faithful. I so appreciate all the letters, cards, encouraging emails and FB messages that I’ve received from so many of you who have helped by sharing your love, prayers and support for our family. Your prayers have gotten us up every morning and have helped us make it through each day and I am more grateful that I can express. I need to be honest with you though. Many of you have thought I’ve been a rock through all of this. I’m not a rock, but I am leaning on the One who is my Rock. Trusting God for me hasn’t meant that I’ve given everything to Jesus and am walking away with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. It usually means that I’ve cried my eyes out and talked about everything with Jesus, over and over and over and over again.
I am focusing on what I know to be true about God’s character. He is forming something in me that is making me stronger and causing me to realize that my trust is in Christ alone. I am realizing that if I remain faithful to God not just in the happy seasons of life when all is going great, but in the darkest of seasons as well, I won’t get all my questions answered or be able to control my circumstances, but, my faith will be refined through the fire and my relationship with Jesus will grow deeper. If I choose to learn from my experiences, I won’t go through life wondering what was the point of all the heartache and the tears. With bended knee and tears streaming down my face, I can say this. ”I trust you.”
Romans 5:3 We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?
Picture courtesy of Steve Willis at underpinphotography.com
40 Responses to “Reality and God’s grace”
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Renee, this is just beautiful. I love your wholeness and your realism. This very blog I needed to read tonight for my own comfort and strength in a very tough situation.
Thank you for sharing your heart to those of us who are praying for and with the Loux family. May you be forever blessed.
Dear Renee, know that you’re still very often in my heart, thoughts and prayers. May THE COMFORTER continue to bring healing ointment to each one of your torn-apart hearts and may he give you the courage to go on – one day at a time. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for you.
I love you in Jesus, even though I’ve never met you.
Strength, peace and hope to you!
Thanks for saying this, Renee. Continuing to pray for you and for your family.
Sweet Renee, Thank you so much for htis. Your transparency is refreshing and encouraging. I think by being so open and honest, you are ministering to others facing thier most difficult trials. I am sorry we have not been in touch much, but know that our prayers have been with you everyday. Know that as I celebrate those precious moments with the love of my life and the daddy to my children, God often puts you on my heart and I lift you in prayer. I will continue to lift you and your beautiful children up to our Father, and pray for stregth and wisdom for you as you walk this out. We love you
Kristie and Cris Deeter
Renee,
I just want you to know that you and your children have been in my thoughts and prayers every day since you lost Derek. May God continue to comfort you and your children and also give your precious little boys an understanding of where their Daddy is and for them to know that they will get to see him again one day. God Bless you Renee,
Amy
Renee, please know that you and your family are in our prayers. I’ve been thinking so much of you lately because of your “one year home” anniversary date with your boys. Just seems like yesterday that you showed us the first pictures of them and now they don’t even look like the same children – they are loved.
May God Bless,
Mandy
Though we’ve never met, I have been praying for your precious children. May the God of all peace, show His mercy and love in a way that is beyond all understanding. May you be comforted in miraculous ways.
Sarah Bandimere
Renee, we have a picture of Derek on our refrigerator, to remind us to keep praying for you and your family. We can’t begin to understand the depth of your loss, but we pray for the comfort of the Lord be ever present with you.
Roberta
I really appreciate and value your thoughts Renee. We have never met personally but the presence of your family here on base has been an encouragement and strength to me, as you have faithfully pioneered adoption, love and loss through His grace. Much love to you. I pray for you and your family often.
renee,
no words really but my heart is so honored by your response in all of this. As a wife and a mother it is one of our greatest positions…. complete surrender in all things. It’s not an easy one but you are such an amazing woman of God as both a wife and mother and I am so touched by your journey and humility before God. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Thank you so much for being who you are and continuing to do what you do! Your children are truly blessed to have you in their lives.
Liesl
Precious Renee,
Our thoughts & prayers are still with you…
Keller Family
Crying as I read this. Thank you for being such a transparent example of trust in Him. Praying for you and your children.
Thank you so much for updating us on how you’re doing. It’s simply beyond words… how amazingly difficult it must be each day, and yet you took the time to be transparent with everyone through this post. You are on our hearts, and your family has forever blessed our congregation at the Rock of Roseville. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My precious Sister, I love you so much! Your honesty and vulnerability in sharing the real pain and process of walking through this time are both heartbreaking and breathtaking. Your life and testimony are such a beautiful witness to God’s grace. I wish I had the words to truly express what I feel right now, but foremost in my heart is my huge respect and love for you and for each of the children, who are also walking with such grace and faith due to your teaching and leadership. I love you so much and can only imagine the love and pride Abba Father feels as He holds you all close and shelters you in His heart. Please know you are daily in our thoughts and prayers.
Renee,
thanks for being so open and vulnerable. May your hurting heart be like a big target for the Holy Spirit’s arrows of love and peace which pass all understanding. May your house be a sanctuary of His presence in this time… until you and Derek meet again.
Beloved Renee,
Every night I pray for you that God will hold you and each of the children close to His heart. That God will custom craft tender moments for the children to feel His nearness.
You are not alone.
Your worship in the midst of bereftment and grief is stunning to watch. You move His heart.
Your faith is an inspiration to me.
I love you, Ne. Your name is whispered in my prayers again and again and again. Keep leaning & sharing …. in your weakness He is proving oh so strong to so many.
I can only imagine your pain– to live it is something I cannot fathom. I think of you often– the kids too. Your faithfulness is a beacon of light for others. Thank you for updating us.
Dear Rene,
You and your children are in my thoughts daily. We recently came back from Ukraine with out our little boy, due to the political instability there right now. I can’t tell you how many times on the trip I had to stop and draw strength from Derek’s Redemption post.
On the flight over somewhere over Ireland it was the middle of the night and so peaceful and quiet on the plane. I put on my ipod and the song “I can only imagine” was on. My thoughts immediately flew to Derek. I could picture his happiness at meeting Jesus and the beauty of that reunion. Yet I was so sad for you and your children.
The trip brought many unexpected feelings and events for me and so many times I would turn to Dereks words. I was expecting to fall totally in love with this child the moment I saw him. It didn’t exactly happen that way and I was reminded of the redemption post yet again. I found comfort in the fact that this sweet boy didn’t have to fit ‘my’ perfect image of who he was going to be, but that I was going to love him unconditionally because he is a child of God. No other reasons needed.
Your husband is an amazing man, but you already know that! God spoke to him and Derek passed it along to us. For that I am thankful. I pray your time apart is like the blink of an eye, and your family will be reunited forever in His glory.
Jodi Lewandoski
I just read about this amazing cause and beautiful family for the first time. Reading about your loss actually brought me to tears. I have no words that can suffice, but- Thank god we have such beautiful hearts in our world! You are an inspiration and all my love and blessings to you and your family. I am so sorry for your pain.
Thank you for all that you do
xoxo
Dear Renee,
Thank you for shaing your heart. So touching! May the Lord bless you and your family! With love and prayer from me and many others in Poland.
Lord..Kiss Renee and her children tonight…And thank you Lord for your faithfulness and because one day… you decided to reveal yourself to us as a Father…Be a father to them God…Very present , very close. Amem.
Renee, Thank you for the example. . . . .I can only imagine.
God bless your family!
I was listening to one of Derek’s teaching yesterday. He spoke about his family and I couldn’t help but cry. He loved his daughters and sons with such debt. He had many dreams for the future. This tradegy is hard to understand. Still, it is comforting to know that Derek is with His Heavenly Father. I am praying for you, his family.
Dearest Renee, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your BRUTAL honesty, how you are HURTING deeply and allowing yourself to FEEL the pain and tell others how much pain you are in. I love you so much, respect you, and won’t even try to give any pithy words of comfort. While we don’t know each other well, yet, please know I am here anytime for anything you may need, and I mean that! Praying like crazy, dear sister and friend!
Renee,
I can’t imagine your grief.You are a shining example of how God’s glory is to be displayed in a Christian’s life during terrible trials. May the mighty hand of the Lord carry you through this difficult time, and may Christ comfort you and fill your void with His presence. May God pour His blessings on you and your children.
Praying for you
I love you Renee’.
Renee,
know that you and the children are in our thoughts and prayers each and every day. We love you beyond measure and are so thankful for you in our family. May God continue to wrap his arms around you and bless you for your faithfulness.
Renee and Sweet Loux Family, our family prays for yours so very often. Peace of Christ to you.
My heart grieves for you and I pray for you and your family continually.
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so open about you reality. Your pain is beyond what I can even begin to imagine. Thank you for being a rare gem in the midst of so much suffering!
Keep talking. We are listening. We are here. We love you.
Do you know how beautiful this is to Him? Who can truly say, “though He slay me, Yet will I trust in Him?” More, who can live it? You are an amazing encouragement to my life and a picture of reality in the Lord like I have yet to know. And please know He weeps with you every time…
Dear Renee,
God never intended that we should go through the loss of ones we love so much. Father God, in Jesus’ Name, please tenderly hold Renee in Your arms and comfort her as a mother holds her little ones when they hurt so deeply and don’t understand why. Please strengthen her in her inner man through the power of Your Holy Spirit to know the height, depth, width, and breadth of Your love for her. In Jesus’ Name, please let Your rivers of living water flow from her. In Jesus’ Name, give her wisdom, discernment, strength, the power of Your might, grace, perseverance, and the words needed for Your children that You have entrusted to her care. Give her the grace during this time, to lead her family, in Jesus’ Name. In Jesus’ Name, Father God, give her time to grieve in Your Presence. Pour out Your Holy Spirit upon her….may she know Your Presence like never before. Be her mainstay. Be a shield about her and the Lifter of her head, in Jesus’ Name.
Renee—You are an AMAZING woman and so strong!! I can feel your pain and am awed by your complete trust in the Lord. Derek would have been so proud of you and proud of the example you are setting for your children!! You are an incredible woman of God!!
Thank you for sharing your heart with us even in a weak and vulnerable time. I love your family. May the Lord continue to give you strength. Praying for you all.
I lost my mother and sister who I was very close with she lived with us since she was disabled and on February 26 I lost my nephew to a heart defect undetected from birth. He leaves behind three children the oldest is 3 years and the youngest is 3 months. Please pray for them. I will also pray for your family.
I’m deeply encouraged by this post, thank you.
Remain strong and steadfast in God’s love!
Hello, just wanted to from a smile and love your way. I thank you for the ministry you both have offered through the soaking music sight. A friend of mine turned me onto this wonderful worship site and not to long after that I heard that Your beloved husband had went on to be with Papa. You and the children will remain forever on my prayers. As I tune into the soaking music I lift up a prayer for your family. I am headed there as we speak. Thank you. Tina B