Nothing Can Separate Us From His love….

// August 12th, 2010 // 8 Comments » // Loux Family News

We love you Honey and one day soon, we will all be together again with Jesus (Photo courtesy of Steve Willis at Underpin Studio).

It’s been 7 and 1/2 months now since Derek’s death. I have received beautiful cards, emails, facebook messages, meals and thoughtful gifts from so many of you. There really aren’t words to express my gratefulness to each of you who have taken the time to encourage me and my children through your love. “Thank you” seems to fall so short of all I feel,  but I’ll say those words anyway and pray that you know how truly thankful I am.  THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!  You are beautiful and are really helping us in our healing process.

Some of the emails I’ve received from you have been ones that have shared your own hurt, pain and loss.  I’ve been overwhelmed by the things some of you have walked through.  My heart longs to comfort and encourage you, to bring you hope for the days ahead and to validate the weight of your feelings because I know how deep this pain cuts.  Why did this happen?  Will I always feel this way?  Am I going to get through this?  Sometimes the questions just go round and round in my mind and most likely in yours too. It hurts, it really hurts!  I’ve been and am still walking through, where some of you are now.  I’ve been numb with shock, and at times overwhelmed by a wide range of heartrending and at times, conflicting emotions;  sad, frightened, comforted, hopeful and at times a little lost and confused.  Couple all those feelings with the everyday responsibilities of  life with 11 children, their new school schedules (they go to 6 different schools because of all their various needs), our special need’s physical therapy schedules, hospital clinic visits,  and all it takes to help them get through their own grief and loss, and it can feel down right overwhelming!  I love 1Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!  Help me to do this better Jesus!

I am so blessed with such wonderful friends in our lives who are such a great help to our family, but at times it seems that even with  the amazing help I’m receiving, my to-do list still seems to get longer. How does that happen…LOL!!? Sometimes I have difficulty making decisions about things that seem so simple, let alone the ones that are more complex and involve matters that seem very foreign to me.  All the things that Derek used to take care of are now on my plate. That’s taken a lot of getting used to. I’ve learned that I need to take a deep breath, slow down and wait on God to give me direction. He always comes through for me.  I’ve learned that by keeping my eyes on Jesus, He will help me to make wise choices and He promises to be with me and to guide me.  I can’t imagine walking through this not knowing Him.  I just can’t!

My friend’s husband, Dean, once said to me, “grieving is a full time job.”  He is really right. Both Dean and my friend Jeanie, know all too well the feelings and emotions of what I’m walking through. They both lost their first spouse. Jeanie’s husband was killed in a car accident and Dean’s wife died from breast cancer.  Jeanie has 4 children from her first marriage and so does Dean.  So, they now share 8 beautiful children between them.  When we got together last, we had 18 children under one roof! There will be 19 when we get together next, now that I’ve added Judah to our tribe! They have been such a great comfort to me and to our children!  Again, another beautiful gift from God! We love you Jeanie, Dean and family!

Right after my Derek died in the accident, I bought all my kids scrapbooks to hold pictures of them with their precious Daddy .  I put as many pictures of Derek and the kids as I could on a disc and had them printed off at Sam’s Club. I accidentally ordered 3 copies of each print and when I went to pick the pictures up, I had over 800 prints waiting for me!  So, needless to say, we are not lacking for meaningful pictures of the kids and Daddy around here.  Each time we scrapbook, memories of “Daddy”  are shared. Sometimes we find ourselves all laughing together, remembering some of the funny things Derek did.  His sense of humor was somethin else!  He knew exactly what it took to get us out of  a hard place and get us smiling again.  At other times while we’re scrapbooking, we find ourselves all in tears, still in disbelief that he’s gone.  And sometimes we just sit quietly, gluing pictures on pages, writing down our thoughts next to our most treasured photos, as tears stream down our faces. Even though it hurts, it’s been healing to look at these pictures that are filled with so much love.

These deep emotions are always there, right at the surface, for each of us, and they come out in so many different ways. Why didn’t God intervene and allow Derek to live?  We would never find a reason that would satisfy us because any explanation would still raise the question, Why not do it differently God??  For me, I am coming to terms with the fact that God’s leadership truly is perfect.  I will accept the fact that God is both loving and all-powerful, that He is for us, not against us, and His will and purposes will be accomplished in the end. In Lois Mowday Rabey’s book called, “When Your Soul Aches” she says this. “While our “whys” may never be answered, it is possible to accept the paradox of God’s sovereign love and his allowance of pain.  We will have to ask for the grace to live with unanswered questions and to relax in the comfort of gratitude when that grace flows into our lives.”

Romans 8:37-39

^37… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Be encouraged in His love for you today and let’s run this race well, together.

Much love,

Renee’ and tribe

Our love lives on….

// August 2nd, 2010 // 12 Comments » // Loux Family News

August 1st would have been mine and Derek’s 18th Wedding Anniversary.  This was another  ”first” without him.  I wasn’t sure what my heart was in for when this day came.  My emotions have been a bit like a roller coaster ride.  I decided it would be best to go away for a couple of days to a nearby hotel that Derek and I used to go to quarterly for what we called our mini-moons.  It was a time we used to spend praying together, talking together and just sharing our love.  When I walked in the door of my hotel room, I was hit with such a great wave of  grief.  So many memories of our love began to flood my mind as I stood there alone, in this room I used to share with my precious husband.  I found the pain almost unbearable.  In the middle of it all,  I soon felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, which still just blows me away.  He is so faithful to me. I love Him and how He always knows just what to speak to my heart to remind me of the hope I have in Jesus. These aren’t half empty religious words. They’re real and it’s all true.  Jesus’ love leaves me speechless.  He is so faithful to tend to my heart the way I need it most.

As the day moved on, I began looking through mine and Derek’s wedding pictures and was reminded of all the joy that our wedding day held. Our wedding was quite a large event. We got married in Texas and everything was big….everything from Derek’s hair, to our wedding party!  We had 16 bridesmaids, 16 groomsmen, 10 candle lighters and 8 children who were all a part of the ceremony.  What a beautiful day of celebration it was!

I decided to post some of our wedding pictures here on our family blog.  In the middle of mine and my children’s great sadness at the loss of my husband and our children’s daddy, we still have so much to remember that’s beautiful and precious.  The gift we had in Derek was priceless and I will always thank Jesus for giving him to us as ours, even for the short time we had him here on earth.

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us.  We are so blessed to have you in our lives and we don’t take your love and prayers for granted.

Much love,

Renee’ and children

The wedding of Derek and Renee' Loux

Derek wrote a special song and sang it to me as I walked down the aisle

Our beautiful friend Michelle Presley, danced so beautifully in the ceremony

Announcing for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Derek Loux

Looking into the eyes of Love

I love this beautiful man!

Sweet kisses

Standing under the trees, thanking Jesus for the priceless gift He was giving me in Derek.

One more kiss and now on to the reception

I still remember what Derek said to me at this very moment....

We had a beautiful cake that had live orchids and other exotic flowers cascading down the side

A toast to our love!

Derek (being a stinker) feeding my ear some cake

These are the children that were in my wedding. I taught many of these children in school. Although they're all grown up now, they'll always be my babies! I love you precious ones!

Derek and I standing in front of the church we got married at in Texas

Welcome our new son!

// July 3rd, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Loux Family News

Right now I’m in a place I can’t disclose, with our daughter Teyolla and our new son (name to be announced soon).  In my previous post, I shared in detail what the Lord spoke to my heart about taking in this precious angel as part of our family.  Our son will be 1 year old on the 4th of July. We are so excited about our return trip home and can’t wait to introduce him to you all!  Here are a few pictures that I took yesterday (sorry they’re a little blurry) when I got to snuggle this little one in my arms! Thanks again to all of you who gave love gifts and who have prayed for our trip!  Much love, hugs and blessings to each of you!

Happy Father’s Day Derek

// June 29th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Loux Family News

My Precious Derek,

It has now been 6 months that we’ve been without you. We miss you and ache for you more than words can say. I know the Father sees our hearts and is caring for each of us like only He can. His love and grace are overwhelming. We feel His presence very near.

Father’s Day without you was a painful reminder of the hole that has been left behind since your death. I was reminded of the times you and I went to our son Josiah’s grave, and now there I was kneeling at yours, with your 10 children all around me. As we placed flowers on your grave and the kids sent up balloons with messages to you, warm tears ran down our faces, and we started reminiscing about fun and happier times with you. We know you are with Jesus, and you are experiencing more joy than we could begin to imagine. I was thinking about you being in heaven on Father’s Day and about how our son Josiah and our other children who were miscarried, are with you now. You are holding them, and they are holding you. What a special day of celebration. We are so happy for you, and we know that one day we’ll all be together again…no more sorrow, no more tears.

Renee', her beautiful children and her mom at Derek's grave on Father's Day (Derek's permanent head stone has not come in yet)

We made a big announcement to our extended family members on Father’s Day, and we know you heard and are celebrating with us. We are going to adopt another son, My Love. I know it’s just me now, but forever and always this has been our dream together, and I am determined to continue to walk out all that we had hoped and dreamed of, for our lives and our children who are yet to come. I truly believe that as I walk this journey of motherhood without you by my side, the Lord is allowing you to see what’s going on. I know you’re still involved in interceding for our children, cheering me on, and trusting me not to put down the torch. I hear your words, I remember all the conversations we’ve had about orphans, and all we dreamed of doing together to help them. I miss talking to you, and I miss that look we would give each other when we knew we were going to just “go for it” and bring in another priceless angel.

So, as I move forward with our vision to restore the broken and wounded, I do it knowing I am not alone. Jesus is here with me, and all you and I dreamed of together is going to move forward. I am determined to run this race well and to do it with the same passion as when you and I did it together.

The son we are bringing home will be one year old on July 4th. As I seek the Lord for the name He has for this precious boy, I have been calling him my “Freedom Boy.” The Lord is redeeming his life and setting him free. He will no longer be prisoner to pain, he will no longer be wounded and broken. I will give him our name, Derek. I will call him my own.

As I sought the Lord for wisdom in moving forward with this huge decision, one others may think crazy, the Lord did incredible things to confirm it in my heart. He has been so kind to me. I told the Lord clearly that I would not move forward without a direct word from Him and without complete peace, as well as agreement among all of our children.

Your children are amazing, Honey. They all wholeheartedly agreed that bringing this precious one into our family was what they all wanted.

The most powerful thing the Lord spoke to me during my time away with Him to hear His heart for this adoption was from Isaiah 49.

49:1-3 “Listen to me, you islands; hear this, you distant nations: Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword, in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. He said to me, “You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.”

Our son is coming from the Marshall Islands once again, the place you and I met and fell in love, where you asked me to marry you and the place where 5 of our precious daughters were born. He will be for the glory and splendor of the Lord.

49:8-10 “This is what the Lord says: “In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, to say to the captives, ‘Come out,’ and to those in darkness, ‘Be free!’ “They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.”

This sweet boy’s life is about to BE SET FREE! Born on Independence Day, he will be rescued just before his first birthday.

49:18-22 “Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the Lord, “you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride. Though you were ruined and made desolate and your land laid waste, now you will be too small for your people, and those who devoured you will be far away. The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left all alone, but these–where have they come from?’ This is what the Sovereign Lord says: “See, I will beckon to the Gentiles, I will lift up my banner to the peoples; they will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders.”

I still am in awe of the goodness of the Lord to speak with me in this way, so clearly! I am so blown away that the Lord has chosen to bless me even “during my bereavement.”

And the Lord even knew I needed to laugh! “Give us MORE SPACE TO LIVE IN!!” I’m sure I’ll be hearing that even more than I already do now!

So here we go again Honey. Another wild ride! With all my heart, I wish you were here to celebrate with me, as another little one is brought into the Kingdom! I love you, will never forget you and will keep pressing on in the calling the Lord gave us both!

Forever…..

Love,

Renee

And now, introducing our new son, “Freedom Boy”… name to be announced later!

An Update On Sasha

// May 24th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Loux Family News

Hi Everyone!  Please forgive me for not giving you an earlier update on Sasha.  As I mentioned in the previous post, Sasha had to be taken by ambulance to Children’s Mercy Hospital a couple of weeks ago.  After an MRI and an EEG, it was determined that Sasha had quite a bit of seizure activity on the left side of his brain and had suffered from a major seizure on May 8th (the day he was taken to the hospital).  He has now been put on seizure medications and is doing great!  He is back to his happy and full of life self!  Thanks so much to those of you who have been praying for Sasha! What a difference your prayers have made!  We are so blessed by your love!

Sasha snuggling Rudy

A Very Eventful Weekend

// May 9th, 2010 // 14 Comments » // Loux Family News

Happy Mother’s Day!  I hope that each of you feels loved and celebrated on this special day!

It has been an eventful weekend, and I wanted to give you all an update on the family.

Silas is doing great! He is recovering well, and so quickly, from his surgery that took place last Monday. Thanks so much to each of you who have been praying for him!

On Friday, my beautiful children surprised me with a special early Mother’s Day celebration.  I will be writing a separate post later about my incredibly special evening.  I was so honored and want to share in detail, a couple days from now, about how our children blessed me!

Yesterday morning (May 8th), our day started out with Ethan being taken to the doctor. He wouldn’t drink or eat anything and hadn’t since Friday afternoon.  Ethan was diagnosed with a respiratory infection and is now on antibiotics. We are so grateful that he is now eating and drinking again and feeling much better.

After Ethan got home from the doctor’s office,  I spoke at the IHOPU Forerunner Music Academy  graduation. It was such a humble honor to be asked to speak.  What a special time of celebration! These graduates are so precious to my heart. They were the first students that attended Forerunner Music Academy, which my husband Derek, helped pioneer.  It was very emotional for me to see them in their caps and gowns. I wish Derek could have been there to celebrate with us all, but I have a feeling the Lord let him get a peek of the students celebrating this special day. He would have been so proud!

As I pulled in to the driveway of our home, after the graduation ceremony, my daughter Michaela came running out of the house with tears pouring down her face, screaming, “Mama, Mama, Sasha is dying! He’s not breathing and he’s not moving!”  I dropped everything in my hands and ran into the house to find Sasha laying lifeless on the sofa.  His eyes were rolled back, he had a gray appearance, and was unresponsive.  My sister-in-law Tracie had been at the house early while I was at the graduation ceremony, helping to decorate for our daughter Michaela’s 10th birthday party.  Tracie had already called 911, and I held Sasha in my arms as we waited for the paramedics and the ambulance to arrive.  When the paramedics arrived, they quickly carried Sasha out to the ambulance.

Michaela was in a state of horror, thinking that her brother was dead or dying.  She was overcome with fear, because of the trauma we have all walked through with Derek’s death just 4 and 1/2 months ago.  One of the paramedics was so kind and stayed to speak with Michaela for a few minutes, comforting her and letting her know that her brother would be alright.  She began to calm down as the ambulance pulled away with her brother.  Shortly after the ambulance left, her friends began arriving for her birthday party.  The party itself was very emotional because it was her first birthday without her daddy.

The paramedics assured me that Sasha was stable and had a strong pulse. My sister-in-law Tracie, offered to go with Sasha to the ER, and I decided that it would be best for me to stay for Michaela’s birthday party to help her feel loved and honored.    Her birthday ended up being a wonderful celebration of her precious life. I was so blessed to have Tracie’s help.  Since she was willing to stay with my Sasha, and I knew she would love him well while I wasn’t with him,  it helped me feel a little more at peace about not being at the hospital.

Three awesome friends: Kristen Carlson, Peter Kiiskila, and Tim Cone went to the ER to pray over Sasha and love on him as soon as they heard that he was there. Our amazing family doctor Wendy Bisset joined to support Tracie, and check on Sasha’s care. I am so grateful for her loving, care of our children. She is an amazing physician and a great friend. Dan Petrilli, another incredibly supportive friend, made the trip to the hospital with our daughter Teyolla to visit Sasha. Our precious boy was surrounded by love the entire evening. One of the nurses was even in tears over the level of love and support that our little boy was given by our great big extended family. Even in sickness, Sasha’s life was a testimony of the love of Jesus.

Our daughter Telma and I drove to the hospital to be with Sasha after the birthday party. He was stable but very “out of it.”  We stroked his head, prayed with him, and snuggled him in his hospital bed.  It was so hard to see him in the state he was in, but so comforting to know that he was safe and being well cared for in the hospital.  We knew the Lord was watching over him well.

Our incredible friend Kristen Carlson offered to spend the night in the hospital room with Sasha, so I could go back home to get a little rest before spending the whole day at the hospital today.  We were also blessed to have Tiffany Larson and Claire Mcintire, two of our most precious family support staff helping out at home, while Telma and I were at the hospital.

Sasha is doing better today, although he is still at Children’s Mercy Hosptial and in pain. The neurologist will be checking him out tomorrow morning to see if there is a problem with his shunt, or to determine whether or not he had a seizure and needs to be put on seizure medications. His fever spiked to 105 degrees at one point, and once he arrived at the hosptial and had been on an IV for several hours, he began to throw up several times.

Our daughter Michaela now has a rash from poison ivy and is covered with red hives from head to toe. Not a very nice birthday gift!

We would appreciate your prayers for Ethan, Sasha and Michaela.

God is good and is faithful and we trust him in every way.

Blessings and hugs!

Renee’

Our little Silas is healing well and loving his snuggles from his beautiful sister Teyolla!

Ethan is eating and drinking again and feeling much better!

Terri Terry, Renee Loux, Levi Lim, Sabrina Walsh at the IHOPU Graduation

Our incredibly humble and Godly leaders, Daniel Lim, Mike Bickle, Lou Engle and Allen Hood at the IHOPU Graduation

Michaela celebrating her 10th birthday!

Beautiful and priceless KK (Michaela)

Our precious miracle boy Sasha, with Mommy, enjoying a ducky book in the hospital

Sasha finally ate today and had some apple juice. He was so much happier! He also enjoyed a visit in his hospital room from his sister Sophia

Soph took Sasha a bag of his favorite toys and pillow. He enjoyed spending time with Soph and Telma! His face lit up when they walked in the room!

Please Keep Silas In Your Prayers

// April 30th, 2010 // 15 Comments » // Loux Family News

On Monday, May 3rd, our precious little Silas will be having surgery again.  He has a lump in his abdomen that needs to be removed.  Silas’ doctor is concerned that it might grow into  a cancerous tumor,  so he’s decided to remove it. Please keep our little one in your prayers.  Silas has been our special angel for almost a year and a half  now. We are so blessed to have him as ours.  He is growing big and strong and Jesus has done much in his little heart,  to bring healing to his body, mind and spirit.

This will  be the first surgery I’ve had to walk through with one of our children,  without Derek by my side.  Although I know he’ll be interceeding from heaven,  it will be a little emotional, so I would like to ask for your prayers for me as well. God is faithful!

Thank you so much, again, for so many of you who have sent our family  beautiful words of love, gifts and encouraging music CD’s that have really ministered to our spirit.  Your prayers mean more to me than I could begin to express.

Much love and thanks to each of you!

Renee’ and tribe

At the end of the day… He is enough!

// April 16th, 2010 // 14 Comments » // Loux Family News

(Easter Sunday) Renee' and Tribe

Derek and Renee's Priceless Blessings From Jesus

Sophia, Telma and Michaela

Amazing Silas

Beautiful Telma and Miracle Boy Ethan

Silas, beautiful Michaela and happy Sasha

Our beautiful Sophia and Michaela

Michaela

Taking time to smell the flowers

Sana and her priceless smile, holding on to her older sister KK (Michaela)

I love our girls! Keyolla, Telma, Leeann and Teyolla are not only beautiful on the outside but incredibly beautiful on the inside too! What gifts they are to me!

Our beauties

Key Key and me

How thankful I am for my mom who is such a great support to me and to our kids!

In the weeks and months following the accident that led to the death of my precious husband and the father of our 10 children, I’ve gone from feelings of numbness and shock, to feeling overwhelmed by a wide range of all kinds of emotions.  Once touched by pain, you are not the same….. never… but, you are the one who makes the choice to let that pain drive you away from Jesus to a place of anger and offense, or into his arms, as your only hope;  not just hope to make it through the great pain and sadness, but hope to live this life with a vibrant passion for Jesus and for all the dreams He has put in your heart.

In September of 1995, my daddy (Sam Sasser) died very unexpectedly after surgery.  His death would be the first of four devastating losses in my life.  Nine months following Daddy’s death, mine and Derek’s firstborn son Josiah, would also go on to be with Jesus,  at 2 and ½ years old.  Three months after Josiah’s death, I lost the child I was carrying in my womb. I was almost 4 and ½ months along in my pregnancy.  Through all of these incredibly painful losses, I  always had Derek in my life, to cry with, to process the pain with and to hold and comfort me as we walked through all the heartache together.  On December 23^rd,  it was Derek that went home to be with Jesus.  It wasn’t until  his death that I realized how much I had depended on him throughout so much of my life, to be the strength and pillar that I leaned on.  When I was standing over Derek’s coffin, staring in disbelief that this was now my husband’s body I was looking at, I realized I wouldn’t have him to process this great sadness with, because it was now my precious love who was gone. The reality of this knocked the wind out of me.  For years, Derek had been speaking around the world about how God is “a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows” (Psalms 68:5). Now our children and I would come to understand the reality of this truth to the greatest degree one could…. by losing Derek and by completely relying on God in everyway…for everything.

I know I have NEVER been alone.  Everything that’s happened-the grief, the hurt, the confusion, has had me pressing into Jesus to greater degrees than ever before. Have I  walked out this reality every minute of the day since Derek’s death?  No! There have been times throughout the day when all I could feel was grief and I didn’t want to be part of this new ‘widow’s club’.  The reality of Derek’s death stings and there are still some nights when I roll over in my bed, reaching for him, only to be hit with the fact that he’s not there and I’ll never again feel his warm body laying next to mine. So, the pain is definitely still very fresh, but I can truly say that it’s in those moments that Jesus meets me and gently holds my heart, assuring me of his love.  He has proven to me over and over again that He’s here with me and He is not going anywhere.  I trust Him and I’m clinging to Him.  The Lord is giving me his supernatural grace, his strength and his joy.   I  have hope that only comes from my Jesus.  He remains forever constant.  No matter what, God is here with me, with our children and at the end of the day…. God is enough.   He always has been and always will be.

I’m overwhelmed by the emails, messages on facebook and messages on our blog that many of you have sent.  Thank you for your love, your support and your incredible kindness!  So many of you have been used by Jesus to be a healing balm to my heart.  There are also several of you who are walking through much loss and  great pain yourselves..  Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing your stories with me. I am honored to be on the receiving end of  those of you who are also walking with a ‘limp’ and yet holding on to Jesus and His hope. Don’t give up.  Keep on fighting the good fight… keep your faith and let’s finish this race well (2 Timothy 4:7,8).

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Blessings and hugs to each of you,

Renee’ and Tribe

I Choose Hope

// March 1st, 2010 // 22 Comments » // Loux Family News

Photo courtesy of Steve Willis at underpinphotography.com

I am constantly amazed at God’s kindness in ministering to my heart through your encouraging letters and emails.  I am so thankful for your love and prayers.  Honestly, there are some days when I am feeling our loss so deeply and the pain is absolutely beyond words.  On those days,  I am especially aware of the fact that without your prayers I would find it hard to take one more step forward.  Yesterday and today were two of those days.  I miss my precious man.  I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice…. everything about him…..everything!

I went to Derek’s grave again yesterday and just stood there,  still so sad and in disbelief that Derek’s earthly body now rested 6 feet below.  I had no words.  The tears just poured down my face.  I was aching just to be able to hug him and to feel his arms around me one more time, not wanting to accept the fact that that is something I will never have again until I am also with Jesus.  My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the  sound of a car door slamming shut and I turned to see who had arrived.  It was a woman who seemed to be about my age. She had a large bouquet of roses and gently placed them on the vase that was attached to the grave she was visiting.  I began to wonder who the precious person was that she had lost. We both stood there, under the blue sky, feeling our grief.  I became overwhelmingly aware of the fact that there is so much pain in this world, for so many.  I once again began thinking about what people do with their pain when they don’t know Jesus?  What hope do they have? I can’t even imagine….

As I drove home from Derek’s grave, I asked the Lord to help me to be able to walk out the rest of my day with the strength and comfort only He could give me.  I desperately needed Him in the middle of the pain of my weak and broken heart. As I pulled into our driveway, I got out to collect the mail in our mailbox and found a letter that was written to me by a precious woman whom I’ve never met,  named Kendra.  She began her letter by letting me know that we were all in her prayers and on her heart. She was so kind.  Kendra then began to share some reflections that her pastor had written while he was battling terminal brain cancer for over 19 months.  Just when I thought I didn’t have one more tear to cry that day…the tears began to flow, but this time I was weeping over God’s faithfulness once again, to encourage my heart.  I began to feel His presence very near, as I began to read what Kendra shared with me.  I pray this precious pastor’s reflections, passed on to me by my new friend Kendra, will be as encouraging to each of you who are going through your own sad, heartbreaking and difficult experiences, as they were and still are to me.

“Hope and despair are not opposites. They are cut from the very same cloth, made from the very same material, shaped from the very same circumstances.  Most of all, every life finds itself forced to choose one from the other, one day at a time, one circumstance after another.  The only difference between the two is that despair shapes an attitude of mind; hope creates a quality of soul. Despair colors the way we look at things, makes us suspicious of the future, makes us negative about the present.  Hope, on the other hand, takes life on its own terms, knows that whatever happens God lives in it, and expects that, whatever its twists and turns, it will ultimately yield its good to those who live it well. When tragedy strikes, when trouble comes, when life disappoints us, we stand at the crossroads beween hope and despair, torn and hurting. Despair cements us in the present; hope sends us dancing around dark corners trusting in a tomorrow we cannot see.  Despair says that there is no place to go but here.  Hope says that God is waiting for us someplace else.  Begin again.”

We’re choosing Hope to send us dancing around this dark corner into a future where God is very present!

Thank you Kendra and the rest of you who have not just said you would pray for us,  but have truly been on your knees faithfully, taking us before the throne of God, asking Him to draw near to us,  in the middle of our great sadness. He is truly our refuge and our strength!   We are blessed beyond belief to have you in our lives; those we know well and those we’ve never personally met face to face.

I pray that the Lord will wrap each of you in a blanket of His precious love and that you will feel Him near.

Reality and God’s grace

// February 21st, 2010 // 40 Comments » // Loux Family News

In some ways it’s so hard to believe that my precious Derek has now been with Jesus for 2 months and 4 days. I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened.  The pain is still so deep that at times it takes my breath away.

I was at the store in early February and suddenly found myself walking by the Valentine’s Day cards.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  For the first time in 18 years, I wouldn’t be giving or getting a Valentine’s Day card from Derek.  He always celebrated our love in such a big way….we both did.  Tears stung my eyes as I once again began to think about  reality of life without him.  I watched as a couple walked by me in the store, hand in hand, and then again as a daughter climbed up on her daddy’s back, laughing and tickling him as they went out the door.  My mind began to flood with memories as the tears continued to flow.  I realized that everyone’s lives were moving on in the middle of the greatest loss we’ve ever experienced.

Our kids miss Daddy’s morning kisses, his humor, his heart to heart talks and the way he would turn something that seemed so big and so hard, into something that they could laugh about or at least get through, because of their Daddy’s wisdom, sensitivity and love. We  miss the sound of his car pulling up in the driveway at dinner time. I miss hearing all the kids yelling out, “Daddy, Daddy” as he would walk in the door.  Our girls all miss the amazing way that Derek treated each of them like a princess.  Our boys, who have only been in our family for 1 year, can’t seem to figure out where their Daddy went to.  They’re confused and it breaks my heart.  I don’t want them to think that their Daddy  just left them and I’ve been praying that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to comfort them  with His love, in the midst of their confusion.

Derek’s presence is greatly missed in our morning devotions. We all miss him leading us in worship and in the Word.  I’ve  now picked up his guitar, an instrument I once played, before our son’s death and I told the kids, “We will have music again.”  I know I’ll never play as well as Derek did but I’ll sure do the best I can and we will sing and dance again.

So, reality for us is this. I’m grieving and trying to help our 10 children through their grief as well. Our heartbreak is beyond description.  I’ve had a million thoughts racing around in my mind about the “why.”  What I keep ending up with is the truth of the fact that I don’t and never will understand why this happened, but I know without a doubt that my God is walking this road with me, every step of the way. He is always with me, has never left me and as I draw nearer to Him, in the middle of this great sorrow, His presence grows stronger and His Holy Spirit continues to comfort my aching heart.  I’ve found that nothing else we can do will bring the peace and comfort we need like trusting the One who has allowed this situation to be in our lives. He is in control of it all. Although this hurts like nothing I’ve ever walked through before, I can trust God’s leadership in my life and in the lives of our children.

Jesus has always been faithful to us and  I know He will remain faithful.  I so appreciate all the letters, cards, encouraging emails and FB messages that I’ve received from so many of you who have helped by sharing your love, prayers and support for our family.  Your prayers have gotten us up every morning and have helped us make it through each day and I am more grateful that I can express.  I need to be honest with you though.  Many of you have thought I’ve been a rock through all of this.   I’m not a rock, but I am leaning on the One who is my Rock. Trusting God for me hasn’t meant that I’ve given everything to Jesus and am walking away with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  It usually means that I’ve cried my eyes out and talked about everything with Jesus, over and over and over and over again.

I am focusing on what I know to be true about God’s character.  He is forming something in me that is making me stronger and causing me to realize that my trust is in Christ alone.  I am realizing that if I remain faithful to God not just in the happy seasons of life when all is going great,  but in the darkest of seasons as well,  I  won’t get all my questions answered or be able to control my circumstances,  but,  my faith will be refined through the fire and my relationship with Jesus will grow deeper. If  I choose to learn from my experiences, I won’t go through life wondering what was the point of all the heartache and the tears.  With bended knee and tears streaming down my face, I can say this.  ”I trust you.”

Romans 5:3  We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 8:18  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?

Picture courtesy of Steve Willis at underpinphotography.com